i'll first post up my rant / my lack of understanding... then i'll update on how my life is lately. XD

so i went clubbing tonight with some friends. we didn't really actually do much dancing cuz 1) we went really late, and 2) the dance floor sucks. but the view was gorgeous. so i'll probably go to the bar again just to enjoy the view but probably not really go there for clubbing. ^^; anyways, that's not the rant. well, among my friends, for one of them, her brother was there, and the other girl, her bf was there. they went there before we did. and evidently the brother really does not like us going. and i'm not sure if the bf wants us there either. in which in both cases, i don't understand. the 2 girls said it's cuz they don't want us to be watching them... but honestly if we went, why would we WANT to watch them. and secondly what are they doing that has to be so secretive? honestly, if i had a bf, i wouldn't care if he was there. it's not like i'd have to stop doing stuff that i do normally. at the same time, i wouldn't care what he was doing as long as nothing goes in or comes out of his pants. not sure if i care about a bf making out with others at a club scene. i'd never do it, but not sure if i'd mind a bf doing it. never have been in that situation before. ^^; but in general does it matter if a bf / gf is there or not? i mean in reality are there stuff that a person CAN do when their bf / gf aren't looking opposed to when they are looking? i mean if a person is not supposed to be making out with another boy / girl, then it shouldn't matter if their bf / gf is looking or not looking. honestly i think the same moral code should be upheld regardless of whether or not their significant other is there or not. so why does it matter if they are present? does it really make the night less fun? so that's the thing on the bf/gf... and honestly why does it matter if your siblings go? literally i understand that one even less. especially when the person is old enough where their parents don't care what he does anymore. so that's just my "no so little" rant. cuz i really don't understand what's the big deal about us showing up at the same club. and honestly, sorry to burst their ego, but if i want to go to a club, i do not go cuz i want to check up on them... i want to go cuz i like to club, and i want to check out the place. -_- literally some guys really need their egos checked. well, i guess considering i don't have siblings, and i've never had a bf that really clubbed, i won't understand. tho i really don't feel like i'd get jealous even if i had a bf that clubbed. i guess i'll never know until i find a bf. lol. XD

anyways, other than that, life is ok. work started. so sad. i can't go play at my friend's workplace as much anymore. T_T no time. i'm literally at work for 8-10 hours straight. and i'm usually tired afterwards... and the kids don't start until monday. i guess i'll be living there again. XD beyond that, i'm older now that my birthday has passed. *sigh* didn't do much for my b-day. i went with my mom to an inn / spa. it was quite relaxing, tho we didn't really utilize our time properly so we didn't get the most out of it, but it was still cool. we at a $150 dinner. but hey, the waiters were cute, the service was good, and the food was great. can't really ask for more... XD but yeah, the trip was quite expensive. and i wasn't able to spend my whole b-day away like i wanted to, but it's ok. at least i still went away during my b-day. and i will hopefully be able to continue that trend next year.

why do i always choose to leave on my b-day? well, honestly, it's cuz in the past 8 years (not including this year_... any b-day where i relied on spending it with whoever i was with or am interested in has always failed me. the only b-days that worked out was my 21st b-day (when i was single) and the 2 b-days where i went away on a trip so there was no expectation for my significant other to spend it with me. it's sad, but it's the truth. so i'm just going to make it a point to do my own thing. if i finally find someone that i like that will do it with me, then i guess that guy's a keeper. lol. but until then, why expect anything? the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. sadly i learned it the hard way. ^^;

other things that happened... well, i did the photo shoot thing. the pictures came out ok. i look nice i guess with the layers of make up + curled up hair + tape to enhance my double eyelids + fake lashes. i have no idea how some girls go through all that every morning. -_- my grandma was so funny. my mom showed some pix to my grandma saying the girl was a movie star. my grandma responded, "i don't know her, why are you showing me? but one of the pictures look a little like my granddaughter." lol. i mean i didn't look THAT different. tho most of my friends who saw the pictures said i looked really nice. and clubbing guy even said he really liked it.

as for clubbing guy, i'm assuming things are ending. of course so far my assumptions have been wrong, but i'll be right sooner or later. probably sooner this time since summer is over. and usually summer flings end by the end of summer. on top of that, i think i'm totally crimping his style. and the last time we talked he joked about having 5 girls on the side, and i said i don't allow that. and he said then we won't work and probably shouldn't continue. and i said alright. lol. tho since it started off as a joke, i don't know how serious everything was at the end. all in all tho, i don't think i really care how it goes. i mean it's not that i don't care, but i think because he started off telling me he can't commit, i already always expect it to end soon. so the fact that it lasted as long as it did, it already surprises me. but since we are the way we are, i still have the expectation that whatever we have already ended unless noted otherwise later. lol. i'm not being a pessimist. i'm just stating how things are. ^^; why try to expect something more when clearly there isn't as of right now. and until the guy says he wants to be with me for real, why try to expect something more? i learned from experience that if the guy wants you, then he does... if he doesn't... well, nothing can make the result any different. but yeah, with him, it's kinda funny at times. cuz now i like to hang out with his coworkers, sometimes i show up without him knowing... well mainly cuz i showed up not for him. ^^; the funny time was when i showed up in all the make-up from the photo shoot. i was going to wash it off before going there, but i didn't have time to cuz i was going to one of their events. so yeah, i showed up like that. then later, since i wasn't planning on staying too late that night since i was going to leave around midnight, which surprised him even more. like i said, since i wasn't going there for him, i didn't want to stay late for him. but yeah, he got surprised, asked me to stay, so i ended up staying later. *sigh* i really wasn't expecting that tho, since he wasn't the one that invited me, and we haven't really talked much in that week. so as usual, i'm just expecting that things have just died down. ^^; i mean this is a guy who didn't even remember my b-day... even tho we just met for how long? and it was probably mentioned already like 3 or 4 times prior. so yeah, i don't think i'll ever expect much from him. ^^;

on a different note, i was talking to one of my friends. and the topic of "exes" came up. and from the way i was talking he said i sounded like if my ex called again now, i'd probably cave and take him back. i don't think so. well, of course i can't say for sure, but really don't think so. i mean in the old days it was always within a month that he called me back. now it's already been over half a year. and back then i almost never even tried to go out with other guys. and evidently this time it's totally different. so i don't think i'd end up caving in anymore. but i guess it's something i should really consider being more firm about. tho i really don't think he'll ever have the intention of getting back together anymore, so i should be safe. ^^; and anyways, i have a bunch of old and new friends to support me, so i should be fine. i mean on top of that, i have clubbing guy and "my dear"... so i should definitely be fine. lol.

on a lighter note, my "dear" is a good friend of mine since my early years of college. it's funny, we started calling each other dear for some reason that i don't remember. and we would joke and say we love each other. and we even pretended to be engaged to trick an acquaintance of his... in which that guy was actually stupid enough to believe us. (i think i mentioned that before. lol.) and it's weird. quite a few (not just one) of our friends keep on telling us that if we can't find other people, that we should just get married. lol. i don't know, we get along really well, but i never really thought of him as anything more than one of my closest male friends. and i think the feeling of being just close friends is mutual. i think it's just nice that we can tell each other about our bfs / gfs or love interests, and get the other point of view without having any worry of being looked down upon or anything. not that any of my other male friends would look down on me. but of course there's always that 1 or 2 people that we're more close to, and he's 1 of the 2 males that i would really tell almost everything to. the other one is in a definitely stable relationship, so no one ever thinks that we should end up together. lol. XD but then again, for the latter one, i don't really call him dear, hug him much, nor ever feed him food. so i guess we don't look much like a couple. haha. yeah, maybe i should just marry my dear. so much less headache and never have to worry about boys again. lol.

so yeah, finally during summer, the boys department has died down... which is a good thing. even tho this is the first year i'm teaching the same subjects as before, but i totally took upon myself a lot more extra work. so i have extra meetings and a lot of tutoring responsibilities and such. i think i loaded myself so that i don't have time for dating anymore. (and most of these things don't even give me extra pay. -_-) i think i'm just a workaholic. i was joking how i lived at my work when i have work, and i live at my friend's work place when i didn't have my own work. lol. tho of course at their place, i wasn't really working. XD

i think that's all. i've been drawing a lot recently too. most of the bigger stuff can be found on my deviant art account. one of my faves is in the scraps section... but it's just that i really didn't work very hard on it, but it turned out really cool. ^^;

so i should've totally updated this a while ago since i got back from texas since the 14th. lol. anyways, it was a relaxing trip. didn't do too much which is fine by me since my life back here is usually relatively busy. ^^; anyways, i went from the 8th to the 14th to visit my cousin, his wife, and their newborn baby girl. of course i went with gifts of adorable baby clothes. lol. i love dressing up... i'm so going to spoil her once she grows older. lol. basically all i did there was eat, shop, go out a bit, watch the baby fuss (which is still cute btw XD ), and play with the cats. of course i'll elaborate. lol.

so anyways, the first day, i just kind of stayed in and get settled. we had barbecue food mainly that day. i got to chill a bit with the baby. she cries a lot. hehe. but i don't think it's my fault. ^^; she actually let me hold her for quite a while which was cool since any previous experiences i've had with babies were the minute they were in my arms, they start crying. T_T so at least my own niece is not crying. =) and since my cousin and his wife are both anime fans, we just kinda ordered the food, brought it back, and sat back to watch anime. we also bought some snacks (because this was before i decided to go on a small diet which i will explain later. XD )

2nd day, my cousin dropped me off at an outlet, so i just shopped the whole day. i literally am spending way too much shopping lately. ^^; then we went back home to chill and ate cajun food. lol. didn't really go out after that.

3rd day, my cousin and i met up with some of his old high school buddies. kinda cool and funny at the same time. they're about to have their 20 year high school reunion, so i feel so young. lol. after that we went to fort worth stock yards. our aim was to watch the rodeo, but since that was at night we went to a nearby water garden. it's nothing spectacular, but it has some nice water structures in something that's like a huge public park. XD afterwards, we ate at cattlemen's. it's not the same as the one in california, but the steak was still good. then we watched the rodeo. it wasn't bad. not something i'll watch again and again, but i definitely did not feel like i wasted my money. but it was sad that no one was able to ride the bull for 8 seconds. *sigh* i was hoping someone would. lol. that wraps up day 3. XD

4th day, shopping again. did i mention i'm spending way too much money shopping? XD but yeah, beyond that, not much else. we ordered take-out from "Le Madeline" which is supposedly some french chain store. the food was pretty good actually but honestly i have never heard of it. lol.

5th day, i wanted to go horseback riding, but that didn't happen because they were having some summer programs and won't have public lessons / trail rides until thursday. and by that time i would've been back in sf. *sigh* that night my cousin and i went to a medieval dinner / tournament. that was kinda cool. again, one of those "i will probably never go there again, but it was a nice experience" type of thing. the food was pretty good actually. and i actually ate with my hands. lol. i was a little disappointed that the story had no twist at all whatsoever. haha. but it was cool that the knight that represented our area was the hero at the end. =)

so that pretty much concludes my stay there. my cousin and his wife aren't the type that goes out a lot. hence this was a relatively relaxing trip. lol. it was cool. i got to spend time with my niece even if she cries a lot and all i could do is play with her little hands and feet and stroke her head. and i also go to play with his cats. well, he has 2, but i really only got to play with one cuz the other one is totally freaked out by me. so it's kinda funny, one loves me so much that she follows me everywhere. the other walks away from me even if i don't approach her. so after a while i just keep on sticking my tongue at her. yes i'm childish. so what. XD ok, so that's it with the texas trip. hehe.

so i mentioned being on a diet. well, parents' shop is having a new photographer, so they need samples. they have this gorgeous lady with a nice figure posing for them, and then they want me to join in. great... lol. well, i really don't mind taking the pictures, but um, i think i should lose ten pounds first considering the camera supposedly adds ten pounds. lol. so yeah, my goal is to lose ten pounds by the end of the month by cutting back on snacks and such, but i still eat regular meals... and definitely not giving up any sort of foods there. and like i said, i'm "cutting back" not giving up. cutting back is a big step considering, i can sometimes consume $100 worth of just snacks in a month. and this does NOT include all the tapioca drinks and all sorts of other sugar-filled drinks that i drink. lol. so yeah, i think i lost like 2-3 lbs the past week. and i've been weighing at similar times... after dinner. so it's not like i'm being biased and trying to see how much i weigh right at the beginning of the day before i ate anything... because i know that is totally inaccurate considering after any sort of consumption of food or liquids, i would gain weight anyways. so hopefully i'll reach my goal of losing 10 pounds. even if i don't, at least i'll be less than i weigh now which won't be bad. but i plan to go back to my regular eating habits once the photo shoot is over. lol. food is just too yummy. XD

as for since i got back, i've just been going out a lot. either to clubbing guy's (hot guy) work place to hang out with the new friends that i met there, or i go out with my other friends to either watch movies, sing karaoke, play pool, and such. i honestly have never been so tired during summer. lol.

as for hot guy... i caved. i'm a sucker for guys that are perfectly wrong for me. i mean the guy said in day one that he can't commit, and yet i'm still somewhat seeing him. *sigh* but i guess he will just be my summer fling. it's just not ending as soon as i thought. well, right after i came back from texas, i went to watch another basketball game to keep stats. we were just hanging out, and he actually said he "kinda" missed me... which evidently is a lot for him. ^^; so as usual, i caved and now i'm sort of seeing him again. tho actually he sometimes ask me if i miss him, and i think yesterday, or 2 or 3 days ago, was the one and only time i said yeah. usually i just say no. and i do mean no. for some reason, he's on my mind a lot, but i don't tend to really miss him when he's not there. tho i am happy when he is there too. i guess for now, i'm not that attached to him... which is probably a good thing for the both of us. ^^; just hopefully i will never get attached. i like hanging out with the new friends i met at the workplace too, and i don't want to lose that. and i feel like i would lose that if i get attached, because attachment is also another deal breaker in whatever we have. lol. so many deal breakers... 1) he meets someone new, or 2) some guy i feel that has "great potential" comes after me, or 3) either one of us gets attached... i wonder what other deal breakers are there. lol. btw, when i say "great potential", i'm not saying that other guys can't chase me. just that they'll have a harder time because whoever comes after me have to be able to take my attention span away from the hot guy. lol. which for now, not many people can do consistently. hehe... tho i can name one or two. tho i won't. haha. also, i guess i shouldn't say we're seeing each other, cuz we're kinda not really. lol. i mean in any sense, we are both still considered single. so yeah, in general, our relationship is so simple yet so complicated that most of the time i just let people assume whatever they want. not like i'm particularly interested in anyone... other than the 1 or 2 names that i am not mentioning. lol. i mean honestly, for any guy that really wants to be with me, a few things... 1) they need to really go after me (tho not like a freaky stalkish way... cuz i do need my space)... can't be like "hi, i like you"... that's it... "what?", 2) not get scared off cuz of the existence of hot guy, 3) they need to know me enough to know the type of person that i "usually" am when it comes to relationships... hot guy is not a good sample space, 4) accept me for who i am, for better or worse right now, understand that i did come out of a 5 year relationship, doesn't matter how well i am handling the break-up, it still affects me... i am human after all.

hm... i think that's all i was going to write about what's going on in my current life. but there was something else i wanted to talk about. i noticed that in my journals, i only say bad things about my ex, and that i never mentioned that we got back together last year in august before our final break-up in december. honestly, he's not a bad person. beit that he has done a lot of crap in the past, but he became a much better person the past year or two. well, i can't really say if he's a better person as a whole, but he did really treat me a lot better, and he really did put in the effort to make me happier. just that he still wasn't happy himself, which made our relationship difficult. also, we had very different outlooks for our future, and we have very different interests. he doesn't like the fact that i like to go out. i mean i can tone it down to going out on weekends only (which i did while i was with him), but still our differences were huge. so we ended. that's that. i may seem like i don't care at all about him, and that i've totally moved on since i never once mention him. it's not that i don't care. it's more like i have come to terms a long time ago that we weren't right for each other. i just didn't know how to let go since i really did love him. and the better he treated me, the more i wanted to give us a chance. but still a part of me knew that it would never last. so when he made the realization as well... i guess after i was able to deal with the heartbreak, i just moved on. not that i don't care, not cuz i'm just that boy crazy or what not... just that my heart has been prepared for this for a long time now... so now i don't really ask about him or anything. i do care about him, but honestly i don't really want to know how he is. if he's doing great with a new girl, i don't know how i'll feel about that... at the same time, if i know that he's not doing so well and am depressed, i don't know what to do about that either... and i don't think there's anything i can do in either situation. so what's the point of knowing only to know that there's nothing i can do anymore. and i am definitely not comfortable enough to be friends with him because that would require me to know how he's doing... and like i said, i don't really know how to deal with any situation when it comes to him. so moving on and not knowing for now is the only and probably the best thing for me to do. sounds selfish and uncaring, but what else can i do? i already spent almost 5 years in that dysfunctional relationship. any more of it (even if we're just trying to be friends which for now i think would not be possible) would not be good for either one of us...

but to literally get rid of the awful picture of him that i painted the past few years... he is actually a reliable, trustworthy person in general. he cares in his own way. he's not the type that you can rely on to remember your birthday or care about event days like valentine's day or christmas and such... but he's the type that cares about your well-being. making sure that you are safe and healthy. he'll take time off work to take you to the doctor at any instant. he'll get worried if you stay out too late... not because he doesn't trust you but more because he's afraid something may happen to you. and since he can't always be around, he's just worried. don't expect gifts that are useless (even tho you've been eyeing a necklace for the longest time), but he will buy things that are necessary or useful... like a small blanket for the couch because he noticed that you fall asleep a lot on the couch. so he's not a bad guy. he just needs to figure out how to make himself happy. and he's just not the right guy for me, nor am i the right girl for him... since he probably needs someone who makes him happy rather than me who always aggravates him. i'm sure there's someone out there who he'll make very happy and vice versa. that person just isn't me. so i guess that's all i have to say about him. (and of course i believe i will one day find someone that is right for me. i just haven't found him yet i think.)

so back to a lighter note... i recently started watching the anime, K-On!. i am absolutely in love with it. <3 i love the ending song. and i love the character mio. she's so cute. i actually not too big of a fan of the main character. but it's ok, she doesn't annoy me either. ^^;

so here's some recent piccies i've drawn... all chibis...
1) freebie for someone who drew me a freebie... lol
2) b/w piccie of mio ♥
3) / 4) gifts to friends i know on solia...

1) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/reiha/tablet/freebies/sichu.png (only this one is too big to post... lol)


i think that's all... if not, i'll eventually post here again. XD

i guess i'll focus on the L.A. trip in this entry, but i'll also talk about other stuff. XD

well, since the last journal entry... let's see... i've been hanging out with hot guy's coworkers even though he's not around. which is still cool cuz they are awesome people and fun to hang out with. actually i think that even after hot guy comes back, we can still hang out just as friends since everyone is just so laid back and chill there. ♥ anyways, basically i was there to chat, watch some of them play b-ball, and play rock band. when they were working, i just drew and read manga. XD also i have an obsession of just holding around a carebear stuffed animal that's been laying around. and somehow i have not weirded them out yet. XD

other than that, i also went out to lunch with my friend. we went to this really good yogurt place. totally forgot what it's called already. he said it tastes like homemade yogurt. i have no idea. since my mom rarely home-makes anything. XD

so for the weekend, i went to L.A. i went with my friend, her hubby, her brother, cousins, and one of the cousin's gf. it was totally awesome. there were some down parts, but those were just minor set backs like bad-tasting food and hot weather. beyond that, the trip was REALLY fun. the gf even said she usually doesn't laugh this much in whole year. XD i can't say the same since i didn't understand half the jokes since half the time they spoke in a dialect that i didn't understand, but since my friend and the gf translated a lot of the jokes, it was still cool. and anyways, i understood enough that i know i probably don't want to know some of the stuff i missed. XD

well, we left on friday night (or sat morning)... whatever you count 1am or 2am as... XD we arrived way early in the morning to L.A. we ate at a dim sum place that was close to our hotel. and we swear we will NEVER go there again. horrible service and horrible food. -_- we were able to do an early check-in for one of our rooms, so we dropped our stuff off. we went to santa monica for a while... walked around a busy area that was near the beach. (3rd ave or street? forgot) then we went to the beach. basically our objective was to check out guys or girls respectively. doesn't matter whether or not we were single. eye-candy is always a good thing. XD my friend's hubby got TOTALLY burned. the rest of us had very red noses. well, we weren't expecting to go to the beach so none of us wore any sunblock or anything. XD but as usually the rest of me is still barely burned or tanned. ^^; afterwards since we barely slept on our way there, we went back to the hotel to crash before eating dinner and going clubbing. clubbing tho wasn't great but since my company was good, it made up for it. XD the club wasn't very good. the decor didn't seem at all good for clubbing with it's chandelier. ^^; and the music was horrible. bad remixes AND repeated music. *sigh* but gosh my friend got game. lol. i joke calling her "師奶無敵". cuz i would say she had 7 guys going for her where as the rest of us probably had 1 or 2 in terms of guys that went for me or girls that guys were able to get to dance with them. XD actually let me clear things up. my count would've been zero if my friend didn't say yes to some polite guys who asked us to dance. then again, when i told my other friend about it, he pointed out that i choose to not let people hit on me. that is true. but still. my count is still usually 0, and that night it was 1. XD btw, i do not count friends of my friends as strangers. those people i would dance with even if i met them the first time. or else i don't like to dance with people who are in no way associated with me in any degree. i guess i'm just wired like that. ^^;

sunday, we went all the way to desert hills (?) premium outlets to go shopping. OMG that was a LONG drive. XD and it was hot considering it was the desert. i think of all of us, i was the best at dealing with the heat. be-it, i was in a tank and shorts. lol. but yeah, shopping is always good. tho i was a bit disappointed since there was a pair of jeans that looked GREAT on me, but then it had a rip in it, and they did not have another one in my size. T_T i did however buy 2 t-shirts, 1 pair of sweat pants, converse shoes, and a pair of cheap sandals. i think no one went home empty handed. ^^; once we got back we had korean bbq. YUMMY! tho that was probably not the best thing to eat after a long hot day, but we didn't care. however, we made up for it by going to a foot wash / massage parlor. that felt great. we all got a nice back and foot massage for like $15 for the whole hour. why can't i find ANYTHING like that around where i am. everything around here is like > $50. T_T and afterwards we had tapioca drinks. then we went back to our hotel to chill. monday, we just had dim sum, then started driving back. we took the "scenic route" so it TOOK FOREVER. but it was cool, we just joked around, ate $30+ worth of snacks, and slept. XD during the whole trip we only burned 2 CDs for it. so we pretty much memorized half the lyrics to every song that we never even heard before. XD

so all in all it was an AWESOME trip. however, i guess even after the nice massage yesterday, i'm far from relaxed after that long ride home. we really need some $15 / hr things around here. i'd totally visit that place AT LEAST once a week. XD well, now i just have to get ready to go to texas on wednesday. ^^;

btw, i had no comp for the whole trip. i'm so proud of myself. XD

also here are 2 piccies that i drew prior to going on my trip. i'll just give the DA link:
http://nocturnalmiyu.deviantart.com/art/random-piccy-and-kittyshoes-128578892

wow. i have not posted in a while. i guess i've been busy? somewhat... not THAT busy, but i guess just didn't have the drive to post things. lol.

let's see... on my to-do list. i did some stuff, but none of them that were on my art-to-do list which is bad. i have not really touched my tabby at all lately. (i feel bad for it. it must feel neglected... even tho it's not a living being. XD ) movies-to-watch, i've seen 3 (up, transformers, and terminator)... i don't think i'll see the ghost one, but i'll definitely sucker someone to watch the proposal with me. lol. XD the other two aren't out yet, but i'm sure someone will watch g.i.joe. as for the other one, i'm still debating. XD animes... i finally finished noir. YES! it's not that great tho. *sigh* i guess what i liked before is different from now. don't get me wrong, i still like the suspense and stuff... and i really don't need any romance in my animes, but they really dragged the story along. i would probably have loved it more if they cut a few episodes and stopped with the constant SAME flashbacks. XD and games... i've finally finished persona 1. it was so easy. i guess i always level up my charas too much. XD and i started persona 2: EP. can't play IS cuz i haven't bought a new comp that can handle a PS1 emulator yet. XD so i think that settles my to-do list. ^^; mangas are ongoing so can't really update much about those. ^^;

so right now it is SUMMER! YES! no work. lol. tho maybe i should do some planning and such. but as the procrastinator, definitely not starting during the first 2 weeks. and wow, i JUST noticed it has been 2 weeks. XD the end of the year was definitely rushed as i was always going out and such and trying to get everything done on time. (i'll elaborate more on the going out part later. XD ) but all in all, things were done, i have some wonderful students or past students (one calls me "sister" ♥ ). so things ended in a good note for work. ♥

so outside of work, life has been rather interesting. i started talking to the guy i met at the club again. so somehow i played all my cards right without trying. or i wasn't even playing cuz i really wasn't all that interested at the time... so he got more intrigued and was like, "hey, this girl never called me back" and suddenly out of the blue messaged me to see how i was. and since he was kinda cute and everything, i gave him my online info and started chatting. we met up and hanged out, and i ended up actually liking this guy... BUT (there's always a but... lol) we know we are definitely not right for each other as i'm the type that pretty much only has committed relationships and he's the type that doesn't. XD but then we still hanged out a lot since he was going to china (actually he just went the past week), he wasn't about to start chasing a different girl yet, so he just brought me out to his company events and such... and we hanged out at his work place with his coworkers a lot. i got to see WICKED. i was so happy. that is amazing. and then his coworkers and i sometimes played Rock Band, and we watched Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete and started watching Read or Die. it's fun there. i have fun with him and his friends. so even tho things didn't work out for us, i'm glad we became friends and hopefully i'll get to continue to hang out with them. honestly, all his coworkers are really cool people. ♥ (but then i did say i might not show up as much just cuz i don't want to accidentally be anyone's c*ck block. yes i have a slightly lewd side to me too. XD it comes with hanging out with a bunch of male friends since high school. XD ) but honestly, too bad this guy can't be committed or else he's totally my type. then again, he's probably a lot of girls' type. he's tall, good-looking, pretty athletic, likes to have fun (and knows how), pretty cool with anything, outgoing (get along with the friends of mine that he met)... so all in all, pretty cool. slight narcissist, but i could deal with that. and i'm comfortable with him. i can pretty much blurt anything out and he's cool about it. and i do have a potty mouth sometimes. XD but just ONE THING i can't deal with is the non commitment... *sigh* XD but yeah, we did a lot the past month. there was WICKED, videogames, anime, watched a basketball game, then i watched him play basketball (i shot some hoops too, but not actually play cuz i suck on the court), movies (staying in or going out), just chilling and chatting. so yeah, it was a fun month. i'm going to miss it a little. but i'll live. XD and anyways his coworkers are so sweet. one of them even said if clubbing guy don't invite me out anymore, he will. XD and this is totally platonic cuz he's already seeing someone and definitely did not show any signs of hitting on me. XD

in other news, my mom tried setting me up with a guy. he's not bad. he's tall too, but way more innocent then the clubbing guy. well, that or he was trying to give that vibe since my mom and his uncle (my godmother's brother) was there. they were the ones trying to set us up. he seemed decent, but i only talked to him for like an hour, so *sweat*. also he came at a bad time, since it was RIGHT AFTER the clubbing guy and i hit it off. so yeah. i glad he never called tho. if he did, i would have no idea how to handle it. i am most definitely the 1 guy at a time type of person. once there's more, i get confused and have no idea how to handle things... which leads to...

3rd guy that's been around lately is a guy i met at fanime. totally random i know. XD actually he was giving out free commissions. and we started talking. totally platonic to begin with. he wants to start a comic on his free time. and i started to help him with some outfit designs as my project for my free time (that sometimes i don't really think i have XD ). since he was in the bay area, we decided to meet up again so that i can get the hard copies of the freebies. and we started talking, and we actually get along really well. he did kinda ask me out, but i was truthful about kind of not really seeing clubbing guy. so we just continued to chat and occasionally hang out. like i said, i'm not good at the whole more than 1 guy thing. so i rather be truthful so things don't get complicated. we have similar interests, and he's a really nice guy. he's into art and videogames. he draws really well (even tho he's modest). =) he's a really nice guy... tho i probably still need to hang out with him more to learn more about him. also, another reserve i have is that i'm not nearly as comfortable with him as i am with clubbing guy. i do talk a lot (like i always do lol XD ) but then i feel like i'm more aware of what i say. i don't just let my mouth run off (which may not be a bad thing), but i feel like i somehow need to be more polite and less degrading and less perverted around him. XD yeah, my personality totally matches my look. what i believe in also matches. but my mouth sometimes blurts out certain things that just make people's jaws drop if they don't know me long enough. and for now with the fanime guy, i feel like i have to be aware of what i say. *sigh* maybe he doesn't mind or maybe he does, i don't know. but i just don't feel totally comfy. *sigh*

btw, the fanime guy was one of the reasons why clubbing guy and i decided we shouldn't continue seeing each other... well, i guess we weren't really since we were still just friends, but yeah. clubbing guy supports that i see this guy cuz he knows that i'm the committed type and he can't give that to me. so clubbing guy is actually a really good guy but just can't work out. it's not like i'm DEFINITELY going to end up with fanime guy, but since i'm the 1 guy at a time type of person, clubbing guy doesn't want to get in my way... in which i do really respect him for that. yeah, i think i have to only date 1 person at a time and then decide yes or no... then move on or not move on. ^^;

i guess those are the highlights of what's going on. not going to go that in depth with details. plus i don't remember all details anyways... only some things that i might want to keep private and only among my real life friends. XD of course there's also other regular day to day things that happen. but right now i think i'm done writing. so maybe next time if i feel like it or if things just happen to pop up into my head. XD

oh, some other things would be... this year, due to economy, i probably won't be going anywhere far cuz i don't want to pay for it. XD so i'm just going to texas to visit my cousin and his newborn daughter. ♥ i already booked my tickets... from the 8th to the 14th. it's short, but i don't think texas would be all that exciting, so it works. XD i still want to go somewhere on my birthday, but i can't really think of anywhere to go to on a weekday for only a day or two. i'm taking care of my grandma for the second half of summer, so i really can't just take off anywhere for like a week or two. *sigh* i'll see, i still have over a month to think about it. ^^; tho it would be sad if i have to be around the area on my b-day since i've been trying to make a point to always be away. the worst would be if my stupid school decides to make a meeting on that day. i may cry. T_T

ok, i think that's it for now. ^^;
oh btw, i had a haircut... as in my hair stylist chopped off 8 inches of my hair. XD both hot guy (clubbing guy) and fanime guy like it. tho i think hot guy likes it more... i don't know why he likes it so much. XD

I need to make some sort of lists to keep track of things, so here goes...

Most lists are in no particular order... ^^;

Art To-Do List
(I totally think I may have possibly overload myself.)

Commissions ::

Megami CG Fullbody - sketched / partially outlined

Megami Summer Project - on hold (hence summer)

iCinnamon (Roli) Couple Pic - outlined

Jeca's Love (Solia) - 0% (totally forgot about this XD )

Art Trades ::

Vietlyfe's OC Aeris - 0%

Freebies ::

Celes' CG Fullbody - add details / background

Nuna's OC Maura - partially sketched

kittyshoes (Roli) - 0%

linapoo's chara (Solia) - 0%

DL (Mene) - 0%

Planned-on Freebies (if I could ever get through my list) ::
Sweetly, shosho

Personal ::

Art banner - thinking XD


Movies To-Watch List
(will update when i think of more...)

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

The Proposal

Up

Transformers 2

Terminator: Salvation

GI Joe

Julie & Julia (maybe)


Anime - Currently Watching
(will change constantly XD )

Noir (rewatching)

Tactics


Manga - Currently Reading
(will change constantly XD )

Kuroshitsuji

Trinity Blood

Nana


Games Play / To-Play List

Persona (waiting for PSP version)

Persona 2: Innocent Sin (if i get a new comp in the summer)

Persona 2: Eternal Punishment

Persona 3 (replay or start with Fes)

Persona 4

.hack series


Btw, I used to LOVE Noir. Now that I'm watching it again (I totally forgot the story already)... it's getting boring. I love the concept of it, but OMG to the way to many repeated flashbacks. Honestly, it feels like they're just trying to drag the story longer so that it will take up 26 episodes. Or without all those repeated stuff, they could probably fit 2 stories in each episode... making it a 13 ep series instead. XD oh wel. I still like the concept, so I'll still finish watching it... considering I never finished it the first time around (since that was when I started to get crazy interested in making websites and such and stopped watching anime much XD ).

ok, so i said i was supposed to watch "wolverine" last week, but ended up watching "star trek" instead. ironically, this week, i was supposed to watch "star trek", but instead we ended up watching "wolverine". XD well, my friend was considerate saying that maybe we could do something else, but we both know that our other friend has been REALLY anticipating to watch "star trek", and since he's such a sweetheart always driving us around, we agreed that we'll watch that even if i'm watching it twice. i really don't mind. but then when we were at the theater, it was so packed, we didn't want to sit in the front row, so we switched to watching "wolverine". ^^; i guess life works in it's own ways. XD btw, "wolverine" isn't really bad. be-it not as good as "star trek", but i still liked it. and like my friend says, it really does explain some stuff we were confused about regarding "wolverine" considering we've never read the comics and such. ^^; also, i watched "angel and demons" yesterday. not bad. quite a bit of twists. my friend said he preferred "the da vinci code"... i never really watched it, but i remember seeing it being shown on tv, and i ended up switching the channel cuz it was so boring. i guess we have completely different tastes. (i do often say he acts like an oldie and likes boring things even tho he's only a year older than me. XD )

as for work, i always complain about the school year where i work A LOT... and even to my students i say i can't wait until summer comes. then, i go and volunteer myself to do some extra work, now i'm going to have some extra trainings in the summer... and on top of that, during the next school year, instead of just sitting there (and sometimes falling asleep) at meetings, i might actually have to lead it and train people on what i learned in the summer. so basically i volunteered myself to do more work than i need to. the summer stuff is paid, but the regular school year stuff... we don't get extra for presenting. XD my friend and i agreed that it's the asian gene in me that's a workaholic... despite my lazy nature. XD

so in other things, omg, i am horribly mean. ok, so back in HS, my best friend said that my prom picture was "beauty and the beast"... considering that she's my best friend, we know who's the beauty and who's the beast. XD well, one of my fave past-student (i don't have her anymore, but she visits all the time ♥) went to her junior prom. i had her date as a former student too, but i wasn't too fond of him cuz he was ALWAYS absent and did NOTHING for my class. and anyways, things didn't go well between them, so yeah. well, one of my other students said that her prom pic was really cute. i said, "that's great, too bad it was with that guy." after that i realized how horrible i am, but the comment is so true. and i told her about it, so it's not like i'm talking behind her back. XD sometimes i really think that on certain topics i can be mature, but on other things, my mindset could totally blend in with a HS student. i guess that's why i like my job. in one hand, i know when to be old and strict and boring and make sure that they know i'm the teacher. but on the other hand, i can also be a total kid (usually after school hours). XD

i like watching anime, reading manga, playing videogames, drawing... all things that my students are interested in. a lot of times they could connect with me on one of those. sometimes i have friends who say that they have outgrown this stuff or am too old for it. i understand the not being interested in certain things anymore feeling, but i don't think that age will have anything to with it. i'm getting older, but i still love it. and i doubt my mindset on them will change much in the next year or two. and even if it does change, it would be because my hobby has changed... not because i'm too old. XD

so to elaborate on my piggyness... this week on friday, my friend and i went to eat at a japanese restaurant. we ate almost finished everything (with a little left over because he eats even less than me XD). we had tako kimchee, agedashi tofu, fried onigiri, seasoned squid, tako potato (ball-thingy XD), chicken gizzard (which he barely touched ^^; ), and seafood okonomiyaki. (yes, all high in cholesterol XD ) none of the dishes were huge, but all of them weren't nigiri sized other than the fried onigiri. XD also, i had coldstone ice cream afterwards. he couldn't eat that cuz he said he was too stuffed, tho i ate as much as he did in every dish... and he barely touched the chicken gizzard. this just proves that i'm a piggy. XD

also, my friend is originally from hk, but other than knowing the culture, sometimes i feel like my habits and such are more hk than him. XD i'm the one that actually follows some hk soaps and listens to the music. ironically he's afraid of heat and i'm not. well, i wouldn't say i'm not, but i have a WAY HIGHER tolerance than him. he starts feeling uncomfy at like 80. i love warm weather. XD then there's eating various chinese foods like chicken gizzards and other animal inner parts. i love them, and he's like ok with a few, but mostly no. such a waste. i would love to live in hk or taiwan for a bit just to eat all those type of stuff there. here they usually don't make it as yummy and some places don't have them. T_T

i think that's about it. i did finish drawing some stuff, but they're not that great so i don't see the point of sharing it. XD tho if i'm not sharing, i don't know why i should even bother typing about it... i guess i just like to ramble about what goes on through my mind. lol.

Ok, first off since I've been meaning to talk about movies, I will start with that. If I actually remember to talk about other stuff, then I'll elaborate on that too. lol. XD

First off, movies... I am so excited about all the movies that came out or are coming out. I've watched "17 Again" and "Star Trek". ♥ I loved both movies. Yes, I have no idea why I was attracted to watch "17 Again" in the first place. Possibly Matthew Perry, but honestly, his role is extremely small in there. And I don't even particularly like the main chara in it (don't remember his name... lol), tho I have to admit his acting wasn't all that bad in it. I did get a lot of laughter and giggles from that movie. Also I was so amazed when my friend volunteered to watch it with me (actually he even suggested in his list of movies watch). I mean another friend of mine did volunteer too, but his tone was more like "if you really can't find anyone..." lol. XD As for "Star Trek"... that was GREAT!!! I am definitely not a trekky, but OMG, i feel like such a geek going to watch the movie. I went with 2 male engineers and at least one of them have masters (i'm not sure about the other guy)... and i was the ONLY ONE who knew who Spock, James T. Kirk, and William Shafner were. -_- but all in all, i think "17 Again" was a nice, sweet, romantic comedy... and "Star Trek" is just a must see. XD

As for other movies, I plan to watch "Angels and Demons" tomorrow. no idea what to expect from that one since some (if not most) of Tom Hank's recent movies are really boring to me. So who knows. I have yet to watch "Wolverine", which I really want to watch. And I also want to watch "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" (or something like that)... and i am totally anticipating the new pixar movie "Up" which hopefully i'll be able to watch 3D. and then there's "Transformers 2" coming out in the summer. The guy isn't all that cute, but the girl is HOT. just stating the truth. lol. XD those are the movies that i could think off my head, i'm sure there's more, but i'm too lazy to look them up. ^^;

as for other things... omg, life is so busy. i feel like it's a good thing that i DON'T have a bf. and honestly i can't even think of how i can have one until summer hits. literally last weekend, i had 4 things going on. and then this weekend i'm booked other than sunday, and then next weekend, i'm booked, and then the following weekend i may also have something going on as well. what the .... i mean aren't i supposed to have more free time when i'm single? -_- literally, last week, i had to go shopping, then dinner and movie, then friend's baby party, and then mother's day dinner. be-it it was the whole weekend, not just one day... and i enjoy every single one of them, but still. tiring. XD then coming weekend is possibly 2 movies. definitely one tomorrow, then definitely going out with friend who had a baby since she finally can leave the house due to her house-arrest due to chinese traditions about staying at home for one month after childbirth. XD then the following weekend is Fanime. then the following weekend after that, my friend wants to make her b-day thing (tho this one isn't for sure)... but still omg, i feel like if i had a guy, all he can do is 1) watch me work on weekdays and 2) tag-along on weekends cuz evidently there's no other time for him in my schedule. -_- so i'm kinda glad i don't have anyone right now. tho i'm thinking i'm probably the type that would totally change my schedule to please whoever i'm with, but still only to a certain degree. XD

on a slightly different note, cuz i'm talking about guys... evidently i'm a little piggy when it comes to food. lol. how does guys and food mix? well, first off, lately, i don't know why but i literally eat like a pig. i pretty much match up with most of my guy friends on the amount of food i consume. -_- then my friend recently told me that her dad wanted to set her brother and i up. lol. (she's slightly older than me, and her bro is my age... but of course we aren't each other's type... but anyways...) ok, so her dad tried to tell her bro to ask me out on a date or maybe to go clubbing or something. (no go for the first, but i don't mind the clubbing part. lol) the reason i said i'm a piggy is cuz... the dad likes me because i have a good appetite and eat almost anything. XD (he's seen me a few times since i visited my friend some times, and i was her bridesmaid) well, i'm assuming also cuz i'm not rude and such, but the whole food thing was one of the reasons. lol. i don't know should i laugh about it or be ashamed of my appetite. lol. XD i guess i'm laughing about it cuz i'm still eating like no other. XD literally a 2 weekends ago, i ate so much that night that i was surprised. my friend and i ate and finished the following: 1 appetizer combo (worth around $20 so not small), 2 soups, 2 entrees (a prime rib and rack of lambs (4 pieces)), and 2 desserts. we also ate the bread too cuz they had really yummy bread. be-it my friend ate a bit more prime rib than i did, but beyond that we split everything else, and we finished it all. i even went to get a tapioca drink afterwards. lol. XD ok... i think i'm done telling the world what a pig i am. maybe i should start exercising. ^^; i said maybe. lol. XD

as for anime, i've been really into anime again lately... after finishing kuroshitsuji, i've finished rozen maiden, trinity blood, and matantei loki ragnarok. currently thinking of rewatching noir or start watching tactics. not that into starting blood+ until summer cuz that's 50 episodes... not that it really matters. lol. i enjoy the time watching, but lately i've really drawn less and visited forums less. which i'm kinda sad about as i really want to improve my artistic skills and practice and visiting those sites for inspiration is usually what i need. -_- oh well, i'm sure i'll get back to it. and it's not like i don't draw at all... just less. ^^;

hm... not sure if i had anything else to write about. if i did, well, i'll probably add to this like i normally do... if not, then that's it. lol.

well, here's a nice headshot that i drew rather recently and that i'm relatively proud of. ♥ (click on picture for larger version)

and here's just some random piccy with an odd pose that i drew. i like the face. XD
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/reiha/tablet/roli/candiedjester.png

Ironically right after I said I'm going to give up, we hanged out a bit the past 2 days. However, the more I am comfortable around him, I think he's getting less and less comfy around me. So I guess either way, it's not going to work out. So even though I like him, giving up would probably be the best solution. Shouldn't be too hard. For the most part, we chat on aim. And prior to liking him, I didn't really chat on there... though recently I have chatted more with my friends on there. I guess I'll just go on less. The ones that I talk to the most I still talk to them on the phone anyways... just not as often. *sigh*

I guess I never wrote down why I liked him. Well, I like the fact that he's very focused on his goals, but at the same time know how to relax at times. Personally, I have a relatively busy life during the school year, so I can't have someone too clingy, and he doesn't strike me as that. And he seems relatively relaxed, so he's a good compliment to my own life style where sometimes I end up being a workaholic who stays at work to odd hours of the evening... and I'm not even a first year teacher anymore. -_- And we actually have similar and different interests which is good cuz I really don't need someone there 24/7 (again the clingy). And personally unless summer, I can't be around 24/7 since I am not even in the city during most of the week. XD Also, I feel like I can talk about anything and everything... and it doesn't matter if I digress, he doesn't seem to mind it. (Or he does mind, but says he doesn't. lol) And of course he's fun to flirt with. (Though I think like I said, I probably making him uncomfy now. So probably gotta stop that part.) So all in all, if he actually did like me, I would be happy to date someone like him. But it doesn't seem to be the case, so oh well. Can't force anything. And like I said before, can't really miss something that never happened. Pretty much a story will not have an ending if it never had a beginning... So I should just write a new story with someone else when that someone comes along. ^^;

Someone asked me isn't it scary to start something new? Aren't I afraid that it will just end like the previous ones? I forgot to give a clear answer. (I have a tendency to digress as you can see... I think I ended telling him about how even though my exes and I broke up, we remained friends because before dating, there must be something good about them, but once dating other stuff comes up, and when you can't deal with those, then we break up. But all in all, it doesn't make everything bad... it just didn't work out.)
Anyways, my supposedly clear answer that I should have given was this:
Of course, starting something new will be scary. But without starting, how would you know if that person's the right person or not? Unless I plan to become single for the rest of my life, it's a risk that I will have to take. Also although it is scary, it's also fun and exciting for the most part. And if I'm lucky I will find that special someone. If I am not, I won't regret not trying my best. At least there would be no "what if?"s. He likes me? Great. If he doesn't? At least I tried. So then in the future, if I see the other person walking down the street with another girl in his arms, at least I won't feel like "that could've been me if I had done [insert here]". Because if I tried, I wouldn't feel that I lost anything. If it didn't work out, it just means that it wasn't for me to keep. ^^;
And am I afraid that it'll end up like the other ones? Well, there's only 2 routes: 1) it works, and 2) it does not. Since everyone is different, there will be no two relationships that will end up being exactly the same. If someone tries to mold a relationship so that it's the same as another, I would actually be a little scared. Considering I am single right now, that means none of my past relationships worked. But I learned a lot of different things from each one of them. And I could honestly say even for my worst relationship, I still don't regret dating any of these guys. (Well, some I am more glad than others, lol. But anyone could probably guess who I'm most glad about. lol.) Anyways, I have no regrets because I like who I am. And whatever good or bad I experienced with these guys, they help mold who I am just like any other friends in my life who have come and gone (or not gone). I mean from my 2 longest relationships, i learned how I should be treated and how to be independent which are 2 things that probably prior to them, I wouldn't have any self-confidence nor would I know how to take care of myself. Be-it that the one that treated me really well, made me really dependent... and the reason why I am independent is because I wouldn't last long in my last relationship if I wasn't... (I think they should've mixed somehow... lol) But either way, in each (including the other relationships) I learned something... I learned little by little what I want.
So all in all, am I scared and afraid? Of course. But am I willing to start something new? Definitely. Without taking risks, I won't be able to move on. ^^;

Like my best friend says, I am a total b**** when it comes to guys I don't like, and a tamed sheep when I like them... (I need to change that about myself probably)

I think I am just going to give up on the guy I like. He probably likes someone new by now anyways. Or at least he doesn't like me anymore. Also, I don't like empty promises and flakiness... though sometimes I can get like that too. Though usually I'm just late, I'm not flaky. If I say I was going to do something I would try my best to do it. I wouldn't say let's hang out when and not follow through... and if I changed the time, I will definitely remember that I did. I wouldn't just blurt it out and forget. So yeah. I give up. Also, I don't like to do the initiative. If someone wants to hang out, they invite me over... I shouldn't feel like I'm inviting myself over. And if someone is busy, fine, but it shouldn't be "let's do something" and then disappear. I guess I should have expected it. It has happened twice in the past. But I guess I didn't mind it much as I didn't like him in that sense. So I'm just going to let it go, so that I won't get disappointed or anything. Can't be disappointed when I'm not expecting anything. It's not that I'm expecting anything to happen between us, he made it clear last time that nothing will. But I mean even if with just any other friend. If I am expecting to go watch a movie with them, and they cancel, I'll still be disappointed that the outing didn't happen. So when it starts becoming a trend, it just kinda irks me. I am already at the point where I am cool and ok with him studying while I'm doing something else in the same room as long as he's my company. I am such a tamed sheep when it comes to guys I like. But literally I'll be happy just to hang out without doing anything. -_- Oh well, I mean it'll probably take me some time to let things go. I mean he is the first guy I actually like since my ex. And I know it's not cuz I want him to be a rebound, because whenever I feel a guy even remotely may end up being a rebound guy, I usually just back off and don't talk to them until I cool down. lol. So I know I wasn't trying to make him my rebound guy. So it'll probably take me a while to get over him. But at least now, I'll be more open to other guys liking me. ^^;

Well, some other guy has been calling me to go out, but I don't like him at all. So pretty much I've turned him down every time if it is not in a group setting. lol. I am such a b****, I know. But better that I make things clear rather than string him along. I think this is also partially why I'm giving up on the guy I like (or thinks/know that he probably doesn't like me anymore). This is probably karma, but I somewhat feel like he's doing to me what I'm doing to this guy. So yeah. I don't want him to get the same feeling as I do from this guy that I don't like. So backing off is probably the best solution. I mean if I am just getting totally wrong messages and that he actually still likes me, then he'll sooner or later call me to hang out. And if I still have feelings for him then, then great. If not, then I guess it wasn't meant to be. At least I won't feel any stress or frustration from it. And honestly, after having 5 years of a guy who can't decide whether or not he wants to be with me, I really don't need another person that remotely shows signs of that. I may not be perfect, but as a person, I don't think I deserve that. I mean if 2 people are in a relationship, they deserve someone who truly likes (or love depending on how long) them and will cherish them... not someone who's here one minute and gone the next and comes back whenever they feel like it.

You like or you don't. You want to be with him/her or you don't. There isn't much gray area in those feelings. If there is gray, then it probably means don't, because it's just not fair for the other person. I know people always say there's all these factors about where they are in life and blah blah blah. If the person cared about that in the first place, then they probably wouldn't want to be with you. And if they're sticking around, it probably doesn't really matter to them. People may throw away their futures after they've been together for a while and don't know how to leave... but they DO NOT throw away their futures before they date knowing that the relationship is doomed to begin with. So if a person wants to be with you, then it means exactly that.

So as clear-cut of a statement I just wrote out, here's the other side of me. I am probably a very insecure and low self-esteem person sometimes... especially when it comes to relationships. I mean with my history... lol. Honestly, with an exception of my 4th ex, I probably have a horrible history of ex-bfs. XD So I just feel sorta bad for the next guy I date. I mean I'm not really the jealous type. I will definitely be fine if the next guy I date has a load of female friends. I mean I have to accept that since I have probably the same amount of male friends, so I can't really complain. But I'll probably have a hard time believing that he likes (or loves) me instead of just wanting to get me into bed. The next guy will have to be a very patient person. Sadly it's not something I can work on my own since I don't have insecurity issues about myself... only about the guy I like. So he'll definitely have to be very patient to work things out with me. ^^; But I can guarantee that if I'm with that person, then I definitely like him. And I will probably end up being a tamed sheep again. ^^;

On a lighter note, I have dodged 2 out of 2 kisses. 1 from the guy i like, and 1 from a guy that I just met through friends from clubbing (and I don't like him). Well, I think he's probably too young... and anyways, when I like someone, I usually get blinded from any other potential guys... lol. Plus I learned this guy was a total pervert in the first 5 minutes of our conversation. So yeah, after he sent me 9 text messages in which I replied to some but mostly out of courtesy, I think he gave up. lol. XD (BTW, I have no free texts. grr.... lol)

On a totally different note... I get to see my friend and her newborn baby later today... wee... <3

Oh, almost forgot to post about cherry blossom festival. Actually, there isn't must to post about other than I LOVE MOCHI!!! I bought so much the past two weekends. But beyond that, I pretty much did what I normally do when I go to jtown. lol. Though when I went out with my friends, it was kinda funny cuz they said my friend and I looked like an engaged couple cuz we kept on bickering. We are like NO WAY. We have made things clear that we don't like each other that way even though we sometimes chill together on friday nights and such. We are definitely JUST FRIENDS and nothing more. And if every single guy that I'm close to is my bf, then I'm pretty darn busy. These are all jokes, but I'm someone's "Midnight Safeway Mistress" back in Davis, and we still sometimes joke about that saying I will always be his mistress. And then another friend and I call each other dear and jokingly say "I love u" sometimes but usually accompanied with a "lol" afterwards. haha. Yeah, sometimes we act like we are a couple, but that's just cuz we are really close since I've known him for years. nothing more. And anyways, these are all people with gfs already. AND I DO NOT plan to break those relationships up. So yeah, I'm just close to them. They're really good friends of mine, but nothing more.

Don't know why... but lately I like to write on here.

Anyways, I'm just surprised that I'm actually watching anime again. But then that's taking away on my drawing time. I haven't drawn much lately. I guess it's what they call an art block? But I wouldn't say that considering my art isn't all that great to begin with.

Well, I just finished "Kuroshitsuji". I liked it... a little dark though. I really should start watching more light-hearted things, but then I always end up watching darker stuff. *sigh* For example I rewatched one of the Tenjo Tenge movies. And right now I'm starting Rozen Maiden. I know it's old, but I heard it's good. Well, there's some jokes in there, but considering the opening and Ali Project sings the opening, 99% it's not all fluffy. XD And anyways, all the fighting definitely makes it NOT fluffy. Maybe I should start watching stuff that's more cute and bubbly. Who knows. But I don't seem that type. XD

That's about it. I just randomly wanted to write something. XD There's other things going through my mind, but don't feel like sharing. Mainly I just feel that I have no luck with guys, and I always fall for the wrong guys, which kinda brings me back to having no luck. XD Well, maybe I've fallen for the right guy at the wrong times, but then that just probably means he wasn't the one for me, so guess that's not right either. So all in all, no luck. XD

*sigh* Can't type chinese on this computer. (Not mine. ^^; )

I will again attempt to write it all in chinese... or at least the important parts. I was thinking about doing it in japanese, but i haven't used that in so long, i'm not even going to attempt it. XD

沒事了。原來他還在生病﹐所以沒有跟我說話。雖然我們現在說話的時候跟我們還沒和對方說有意思的時候一樣。但那已經足夠了。凡事都是順其自然最好。♥ 勉強沒有幸福(也是沒有用的)。

Girlfriends are the best. ♥ Just from talking to a few of them, I feel all better now. Well, especially one of them cuz she just knows me so well. Why is my girlie always moving further and further away from me. *cries* At least she still works in the city, so I could totally chill with her and eat good food whenever I get my next break. ♥

I'm going to try typing this in chinese, if you don't understand, too bad. XD j/k. Well, if you really want a translation, just ask me. I mean the people that I think reads this either know chinese or chat with me enough that it should not be a problem for them to ask. ^^; By the way, I HAVE NOT typed in chinese in a while. So my grammar should be off the charts. XD

我覺得喜歡一個人是沒錯的。雖然我們決定了不拍拖﹐可是我們還是朋友吧。我感覺上我有興趣的人怕了我﹐現在還逃避我。我可能是過敏﹐但是我覺得這幾天他不跟我說話或者跟我說話的時候有點奇怪﹐不象我們以前的時候。有點喜歡一個人真難啊。誰都不喜歡最好。不要煩惱。單身比較容易啊。現在我應該什麼都不想。只要作好工作﹐跟朋友出去玩﹐那就行了。♥

談情說愛太複雜了﹐現在越簡單越好。♥

I'll end there. Grammer sucks. That took too long... and I wasn't even able to say much. lol. XD But I tried. And hey, the fact that I could type it after not using any written chinese for so long is a miracle. XD

I sometimes wish I was younger... or live in simpler times.

If 2 people like each other, shouldn't they be able to date? Then again, what if both aren't ready to date someone new due to their past relationship(s)? Should they still try it out? or not? When people are younger, it doesn't really matter where in life each person is. They were all in school. XD But then as people get older, having a job or not, in school or not, financially sound or not, etc. are all factors in whether or not 2 people should date. So complicated. I wish it was just simple like in anime / manga. Guy or girl confesses to the other, and if they like each other, they start dating... simple as that. XD

I stayed over at a friend of mine's place on Friday. The fact that i stayed over was cuz I like him. Of course NOTHING happened. He was a gentleman, and I was a nervous wreck. -_- First off, I couldn't sleep cuz I wasn't used to sleeping at someone's place that's not my bf. But then when he teased me and started hugging me, I was actually really happy (like I said, I like him), but then I was also freaked out, so I just kept on squirming and showing that I was uncomfy. For a little bit, I calmed down cuz I did like that he was hugging me. He leaned for a kiss, and I pulled away. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I was just way too nervous. After that, he gave me my space and let me be. Honestly, I was really happy at what he did, I guess I just wasn't ready for it. After that I still couldn't sleep, but then he wanted to sleep after I did, and in the end, it just kept on getting later and later. We even had to watch two episodes of anime before we decided to sleep again, and that was really late like at 4am or so. -_- He finally slept before me since I am way too nocturnal for anyone. When he fell asleep, all I wanted to do was hold his hand, but I didn't want to wake him so I didn't. And soon enough after he slept, I fell asleep. *sigh* The following day, since I made him lose so much sleep, he got sick. =(

After thinking about it for a while, I thought my actions were really stupid cuz I do like the guy. Probably things were going to fast, and I do tend to jump into things and later on regret jumping into them. But I could've just said that to him. (Actually I did later on.) I wanted to talk to him on Saturday, even thought of all these things that I want to tell him. Basically list all my bad qualities, and say that's pretty much how I am, and if he's not scared off, let's try to date, but start things off slowly cuz I actually want things to work out unlike all my past relationships. But then, all this didn't happen. And when we saw each other today, he said, he thought about it. He's probably not ready for something new. And we are at different places in life. And he wants to concentrate in school (he went back), so he doesn't want a relationship right now. And that he would prefer to be just friends. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I could live with that. ^^; But of course, all the things that I wanted to say before just kinda went away since I didn't know how to bring it up. -_- Maybe he's just not that into me... like the title / story of the movie I watched last week. XD

Actually, since I know his ex, I'm a little threatened by that. I mean I know I have some qualities that are good, but then as a gf, I really don't think I know how to be a good one even with all the ex-bfs that I have. His ex was exceptional at knowing what to get for gifts and how to celebrate b-days and stuff like that. She was very good at observing what the guy wants and need, and I suck at all that stuff. I am spoiled, I lack self-confidence (sometimes, depending on what), has trust issues (to a certain degree, I trust everyone, but at the same time, I am very secretive about certain things that probably would've cleared a lot of misunderstandings in past relationships if I voiced it)... so yeah, I have trouble voicing the important stuff, tho I can blab about random stuff for hours. I don't know how to buy gifts. I always end up getting stuff the guy doesn't need or want. I don't know how to celebrate anniversaries or valentine's days or anything like that. Not that I don't want to, I really do, but with my last relationship, I really don't know how anymore. I am not sensitive at all. For example, when I found out he was sick, all I responded was he should rest. But I was actually worried, and it took me a while to think up that he might be hungry and that I should probably buy something for him to eat. By that time, his brother already got him food and such. So evidently I am slow. -_- And I am always like that. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but it always happens where in retrospect I realize later what I should have done. Kinda like, I should have said all these things the first night, rather than bottle it up and not say it at all and instead write it all down, and probably only a handful of people who don't even know him will read it. I am just stupid like that.

In actuality, I wanted to tell him that I wanted to become his gf eventually. That for now, I wanted to just date him. Doing things slowly. Starting off with just going out and later probably holding hands and such. And this could be an exclusive thing. With my personality, most likely I wouldn't even give another guy the time of day if I were seeing anyone regardless if their title is my bf or not. But like I said, this all did not come out. *sigh*

A friend of mine and I looked at my history... and this is what happens:
I've always JUMPED into relationships...
first bf = friend... then suddenly he likes me and one phone call we became bf/gf
2nd bf = knew each other for a few days at school, went on a date on sunday and became bf/gf
3rd bf = friend... then suddenly he asked me to prom and to become bf/gf
4th bf = we knew each other for a month... probably had attraction after the first week... friend kinda pushing for us to be together... then we got together... <-- took the longest... and also my best relationship
5th bf = met on feb 9 (tho we were in the same class for longer than that, but officially met on that day), got together on the 20th...
And evidently all those relationships didn't work out cuz I am single. So that's why I don't want to rush into anything. But at the same time, seeing my history, I SUCK at keeping things slow. -_-

Hm... what else did I want to say. I forgot parts of it already. *sigh* I was rehearsing it in my mind so much, but now I don't remember all of it anymore. -_- Well, I guess I'll end it here. I actually went to watch Eason's concert tonight, but that was in my mind the whole time, so even tho the concert was pretty good (tho the sound system sucked), I don't think I'll elaborate on it. Ok, I should go get some work done as I have done nothing in terms of work this weekend. ^^;

My exes (plural?) always say I am strong (willed). So that's why I could pretty much take any shit that gets thrown at me. Really I am not. Or maybe I am, but I force it. Yes, to a certain degree, I won't do stupid shit like suicide or actually hurt myself. I will continue to go to work, do my job, go out with friends, smile in front of others if anything were to happen in my love life. I'm not saying those smiles were all fake, but I really do wish sometimes that the guy that I'm with can see that I am not strong that I need someone to care for me as much as any other girl. And tho I can take care of myself even if no one is there, that's not what I want. I sometimes wish I was like those girls that are weak and can't handle things so that guys will protect them or feel the need to protect them. I wish I was more fragile or something. Well, I guess at the same time if I were ever like that, then I'll want to be the person I am now where no one ever has to worry that I would do something stupid, because I pretty much won't. Will never ever drink and drive, starve myself, take pills, jump off a building, or anything like that. By the way, this is not what I was going to say to him, I just thought of it and wrote it down. ^^;

P.S. I've edited this so many times that it is now extremely longer than what I originally wrote at the beginning. -_-

Sometimes I think that grown-ups (am I one?) and teenagers aren't all that different when it come to relationships. At the same time, I feel that depending on the teenagers, I feel that some of my students are more mature about it than my own friends (including myself). I have these 2 couples in my classes in the past 2 years that broke up. But they managed to remain friends and support each other in school and new relationships. Honestly, I doubt I could say that about my own ex-bfs... I mean I might be able to, but at least for now, definitely not my most recent ex. Though if my life continues the way it is, then probably soon enough I can be happy for him if he finds someone new (if he hasn't already). ^^;

Well, the past weekend, I went to watch "He's Just Not That Into You". Btw, great movie, and so much of it is so true. If the guy likes you, he'll make things happen. If he doesn't, well, nothing will happen. Doesn't matter if it's the first day you met him or if you are already in a relationship. If he doesn't call you, then "he's just not that into you". Or if he doesn't want to marry (unless he really doesn't believe in it), then "he's just not that into you". And I'm not saying I'm going to start being cynical about everything (I'm sure I'll continue making up excuses for guys who treat girls like "bleh"), but the way the movie portrays it, it's so true... most likely the guy didn't call cuz he doesn't plan to. He did NOT lose your number, and he did NOT have a family matter to attend to that required him to go away for ages. Of course there are exceptions, but most likely not. XD And your friends will continue to help them make excuses even if they don't know the guy, because that's just how humans are. ^^;

Anyways, life isn't so bad. I think I'm in a happy place right now. I mean sometimes it's not perfect, but it's not bad. I go shopping, watch movies, clubbing, eat out (and try new restaurants at times), and so forth. Possibly a little behind on work, but my procrastinating self will live up to what I need to do. XD Well, this weekend I bought an outfit at Guess. It was a bit expensive, but I do like it. So I'm not sure do I want to return it... the dilemma. LOL. And I had fun clubbing with a friend. We barely stayed tho. I think I'm getting a bit old. At least for now, I still don't look it, just feel it. XD Eventually I'll probably change clubbing to ballroom dancing... but that'll be in a while. ^^; Well, we were going to go to another club cuz we didn't like the first one, but we decided not to. So for the rest of the night, we ended up just chilling in his car and chatting. I hope I didn't bore him to death, cuz I know I love to talk and sometimes end up rambling and rambling. ^^;

The next two weeks aren't bad either. I already know what I'll be doing. Things aren't surprising, but I don't mind some security in knowing what will happen. I have to admit I am the predictable, stable type that will probably not be the challenging, interesting gf type. But honestly, I don't really care anymore. If a guy likes me, I'd rather he like for who I am instead of who he wants me to be. Someone told me, I'm good to become a wife in the future, but not the best gf... ironically my ex and I broke up cuz I like to go out too much and probably won't be a good wife. LOL. I have no idea, and probably won't know anytime soon. But either way, I am me, and that probably won't change. I'll compromise, but I mean compromise, not change totally where the guy just sits back and mold me to his liking. Been in that type of relationship, don't want it anymore.

Anyways, I have no idea where I'm going with my thoughts. In general, life is good. Life isn't all that complicated. It could be if you make it that way, but sometimes it can just be simple. Be happy with the little things in life. I really don't NEED the fancy, big, rich stuff. I'm good where I am. As for my taste in men, I always thought that I do go for book-smarts, but currently, I think my taste might be changing. The guy should not be dumb, but I don't think he needs to think things so complicated... cuz I've noticed, the more complicated, the more drama... and I don't think I need more of that. Ok, since I REALLY don't know where I'm going with this journal anymore, I'll stop now. XD

(BTW, I chose the "flirty" mood cuz it looked cuter than the happy one. XD )

I got bored at first and just looked back at memories. I realized that there was a time when I actually posted here rather regularly. I think back then i had a program that allowed me to post without actually having to go onto the site, but still, I actually posted every month about the most basic things. I actually wrote about what I read (or didn't read XD ) for class, or when a term paper is due. I don't know if I didn't have much to share, or if life was really just that simple. But if I had to think back, I think when I first started livejournal, my life was simple and easy. I had a steady bf (now an ex, but I'm talking about the one that I didn't have much problems with), was going to city college, had a simple part-time job, and had a goal (mainly to go to a 4-year university and to become a teacher). And even when times got a bit tougher (like break-ups and such), I still had no problems sharing. And at that time I also had a bunch of close friends who read and commented on my journal.

I wonder what happened. When did I decide to stop sharing? When did people stop wanting to comment? Back then my friends and I even had a group blog. That disappeared I think. Well, in general, I think everything "stopped" is partially due to trend. I don't think many of my friends keep up their journals either anymore. The ones that do, I probably don't visit. XD Also, I think when people grow up, they stop sharing everything. I used to be able to proudly say I'm an open book. Nowadays, being an open book may not be the best thing since people might judge. True that your really close and good friends may not judge, but other than the 3-5 people that you can honestly trust, how about the rest?

People say that when we grow up, people drift apart. I understand if people moved and such, then maybe. But if we really think about it, most of us went to school in the city or in the bay area. Some of us even went to the same colleges. I do agree that there are a handful of people that I still keep in touch with, but how about the rest? Unlike back in the day, right now, to really keep in touch is the easiest thing to do. We have instant messengers, e-mail, cellphones that pretty much have unlimited minutes... yet even with all that and all the "KIT"s that we wrote in each other's yearbooks, I think 50% of those people probably won't even smile at me if we happen to cross paths on the street.

Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going with what I'm talking about. It was just random stuff in my mind. XD I don't think anything in particular triggered it. I guess it just so happened that I ate at a restaurant today, in which I just happen to know the waiter cuz I met him through another friend from my past who I have not talked to for like 5 years maybe... tho I still sometimes talk to her ex... but that's cuz he works really close to my parents. And when I pointed out that I think I know him and asked if he was from this and that, he said yes, and that was the end of our conversation. XD I don't even think he remembers who I am even tho I used to visit his shop ever so often. ^^; Then my conversation with my parents kinda brought up one of my ex's. And even tho he is the only ex that I can honestly say we became friends afterwards, but in reality, I haven't talked to him for over a year now. I mean we did keep in touch for 5 years after the break-up, so I would say we are friends, but right now I really don't know what he's doing anymore... which makes me feel kind of sad, cuz for the longest time, I made it a point that we had to keep in touch and that he was one of the few people in my life that I don't ever want to lose. And yet, somewhere along the line, I stopped reaching out. It could be the fact that my life wasn't exactly going great the past few years, but when that happens, isn't it the best to reach out to friends? I guess I did reach out to certain people, and didn't reach out to him cuz I didn't want it to be awkward since most of my problems were with my recent ex. But still, I wonder why I don't put the effort. I mean instead of writing this long journal, I could've easily written an e-mail saying "hi". And yet, I didn't cuz I don't know how it would be received considering I have not talked to him for so long. (And I don't even know if the e-mail will still work. -_- )

Ok. Since I STILL don't where this is going, I'm just going to stop cuz it's late, and I should sleep since I'm still sick. XD Oh, and so much for me NOT talking about how I feel. I evidently change my mind quite often. XD

Oh, and lately for music, I've been listening the anime radio... which is kinda funny since I've been at home at my parents for the break. Mostly the music is ok, but sometimes some aweful music (I have no idea why anyone would put it up or even request it), and my mom would be like WTH. XD

Also, I wanted to share this piccy. I just drew it randomly... really quick sketch. Was trying to draw the face by drawing hair, eyes, nose and mouth first. It didn't come out great, but not too bad. XD

Haven't been on here for a LONG TIME.
Honestly, i don't feel that I want to share my personal life to the whole world anymore, so I probably won't be going in depth with anything from now on. (Not that I posted very often before. XD ) Well, on occasion I might make a rant here or there, but that's probably it. But to make this place less dead, occasionally I might just post up some drawings if I ever feel like sharing. Considering I do have DA, and I barely update that, don't count on me being on here too much. ^^;

Anyways, I said that bunch of BS cuz I really wanted to share this piccy that I will be working on for a friend of mine. XD No criticism please as this is just the base sketch... I haven't even put on most of her clothes / accessories yet. ^^;

http://i37.tinypic.com/24xm51x.jpg

i actually went to a baseball game yesterday... (not much of a baseball fan, but no harm in going). XD my friend's kinda cute anyways... lol. but the game was SAD... when we left at 7th inning it was Giants: 0 vs. Cubs: 5... and on the radio, it said Giants: 0 vs. Cubs: 9 in the 8th inning... they turned off the radio right away cuz it was just too sad... XD

wee... lunch today was so yummy... gigi took piccies, but honestly i don't even remember the name of the restaurant... but i know how to get there i think... lol... XD
i am so out of it... XD
but we had lamb riblets, asparagus, lamb tongue, and something called lamb soulvaki (spelling?)...
yeah, sorry, i'm not good with food names... lol... but it was yummy, and we were both stuffed... XD (i want her job... she gets to go to lunch for over an hour... but then again, she probably has more stress than i do when she has a lot of work... >.< )

afternoon went to visit another friend at his work... it was fun chatting and catching up and just chilling.

i miss being here... i'm kinda glad i'm going to move back. last week was a little quiet, but this week i already have things set up for most of the week... wee... now i'm wondering how i'm going to finish the art that i promised people... (cuz i was thinking most of summer would be like last week... ^^; ) only complaint is the weather is too cold for me to sport all my tanks and cute clothes... >.<

anyways, i know this is not my art dumb, but i do like to post some of my art... (gosh, i need to update my DA more often... XD )

as it is a little big, i'm just going to post the link...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v446/reiha/tablet/solia/never.png

yes, it's art for solia... omg, there's so many avatar sites nowadays, i can't keep up... i feel old... -_-

I hate dreaming about ex-bfs... it's like you know them so well, that even in the dream it's like reliving what you want to leave behind. cuz for some reason, even tho dreams are supposed to be dreams, they mimic real life a bit too well... and on top of that, it's not even like I'm dreaming about the good stuff. I tend to dream about the bad... grr...

After watching Persona -Trinity Soul- episode 23...
(I just watched ep 23 and 24... so sad... T_T )

SPOILER ALERT!!!
SPOILER ALERT!!!

Well, to avoid as much spoiler as possible... the girl died in the guy's arms.

This thought also stemmed from an argument I had some time ago...
But is it better to have the one you love die in your arms or for them to die and then you find out later...

I think personally I would prefer to be next to the person I love when he (since I'm a girl) dies just so that the last person he sees before he leaves this world is me. And vice versa, I probably would like to see the person I love before I die. I guess I'm just a romantic like that... XD

Um... I guess the title is a bit morbid, but honestly, my post really isn't all that serious... ^^;

On another note, OMG, my dad needs a chill pill... just cuz I had a headache ONE DAY and I've been coughing a little bit most of the week, doesn't mean I'm dying... sheesh. He's all like I need to see doctors, take x-rays, try herbal medicine, sleep early, and probably some other stuff that I forgot. It's not like the FIRST time I got sick. -_-

happy early valentine's day or if it's already v-day for you, happy v-day. :)
let's see... i just wanted to post this cuz i somehow described this in a forum that i visit...

i think i want a guy who makes me smile when i think of him... who makes me smile (without knowing) when i talk about him... who i feel like calling the minute i have time... who can actually take my mind off online forums (no offense to the forums, but it's a compliment to the guy if he can get me to not go on them without forcing it)... a guy who i can share sweets with... someone who enjoys doing the things i like to do or at least willing to do it... someone who just to make me feel better will do all he can to muster up something last minute...

*sigh* unfortunately the guy i described is not my bf... -_-